The relationships we form early in life, especially with primary caregivers like our parents, are incredibly impactful. These early bonds, or attachments, set the foundation for how we connect with ourselves and others as adults. Attachment theory explores these bonds and the ways they influence us in everything from how we express emotions to how we handle conflict or trust others. Psychologist Mary Main has been one of the major figures in advancing attachment theory, developing a research tool called the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI) that explores how people describe their early memories and relationships. Through this approach, she discovered that the way we explain and describe stories about our past can tell us a lot about our attachment style.
Coherence of Mind: Why it is Relevant in Understanding Attachment
Main emphasised the idea of “coherence of mind,” which is the clarity, consistency, and emotional balance with which we remember and talk about past relationships. When someone has high coherence, they can reflect on both positive and challenging experiences, showing a realistic and balanced perspective. This isn’t about having a perfect memory—it’s more about the ability to organise one’s story in a way that makes sense and shows an understanding of different points of view.
For example, a person with high coherence might say, “Growing up, my mom was generally very caring, but there were times when she was strict. It was tough sometimes, but looking back, I know she was doing her best.” This person’s ability to see their mom as both caring and strict reflects an integrated, realistic view of their childhood.
To judge coherence, Main and her colleagues used certain guidelines that had to do with how people spoke about their memories. These guidelines included:
Truthfulness: Are the stories believable and grounded in reality?
Completeness: Do they provide enough detail without being overwhelming?
Relevance: Does the story stay on topic and maintain focus?
Clarity: Are the stories easy to follow, with clear connections between ideas?
Main's findings indicated that people with secure attachment tend to have coherent, balanced stories, while people with insecure attachment may struggle with this. This means that the way we express our experiences often reflects our attachment pattern.
Coherence of Mind in Each of the Attachment Styles
Through her work with the AAI, Main identified four primary attachment styles in adults based on how they organised and expressed their childhood memories: secure, dismissing (avoidant), anxious-preoccupied, and disorganised.
1. Secure Attachment
Securely attached adults can talk about their childhood in a balanced way, recognizing both the good and difficult aspects of their past. They are open to discussing both positive and negative experiences and often show empathy and understanding toward their caregivers.
Example: Emily reflects on her childhood, saying, “My dad was very supportive, but sometimes he worked long hours, so we didn’t spend as much time together as I wanted. But he made time when he could.” Emily’s balanced view and calm tone indicate a secure attachment, allowing her to see her dad’s strengths while also acknowledging a difficult aspect.
2. Dismissing (Avoidant) Attachment
Those with a dismissing attachment style tend to downplay the importance of their childhood experience. They may describe their past with little detail or brush off painful experiences, sometimes saying things like, “It doesn’t really matter.”
Example: John says, “My parents were fine. We didn’t really talk about feelings, but I didn’t need much anyway.” John’s short, matter-of-fact tone, and lack of emotional detail suggest he may have learned to suppress his feelings and be self-reliant due to limited emotional support growing up.
3. Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment
People with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style often become very emotional when talking about their childhood. They may share lengthy, detailed stories and may repeat themselves frequently or tend to exaggerate.
Example: Sophie reflects, “My mom never really showed she loved me, and it still bothers me today. I feel like I’m always trying to get people’s attention.” Sophie’s focus on validation and her emotional intensity show how her need for reassurance and attention shapes her relationships.
4. Disorganised Attachment
Those with disorganised attachment have conflicted or mixed feelings about their caregivers. They may share stories that seem confusing or contradictory, suggesting a lack of clear organisation in their memories. Often, this pattern appears when caregivers were both a source of comfort and fear.
Example: Max says, “My mom was really loving sometimes, but then she’d yell or get upset for no reason. I never knew what to expect. I don't know, sometimes she was great, but other times I was afraid of her.” This mix of fondness and fear reflects the unpredictability of his childhood, which likely contributes to challenges in his relationships as an adult.
Why Knowing Your Attachment Style Matters
Understanding attachment styles offers insight into why we relate to others in specific ways. Recognizing our patterns can help us navigate relationship challenges more effectively. For example:
Secure individuals often feel comfortable seeking support and expressing their needs in relationships. They are usually open to new experiences and trust others to be reliable.
Dismissing individuals might struggle with emotional closeness and avoid sharing vulnerable thoughts, which can make their partners feel distant or unsupported.
Anxious-preoccupied individuals may need frequent reassurance and can become easily distressed by perceived slights or fears of abandonment.
Disorganized individuals might experience unpredictable behaviors in relationships, where they both seek and push away closeness.
Therapists often use attachment theory to help clients identify their attachment styles and address their challenges. For instance, someone with a dismissing attachment may work on feeling safer with emotional closeness, while someone with anxious-preoccupied attachment might focus on building self-confidence and coping skills to ease fears of abandonment.
Growing Beyond Our Attachment Patterns
While our attachment style can shape our relationships, it’s not set in stone. Recognising our attachment tendencies can be the first step toward change. Therapy can provide a “secure base” where people can work on building a healthier, more balanced sense of self and relationships. Over time, individuals may develop what’s called an “earned secure attachment,” where they adopt healthier patterns despite having had insecure attachments in childhood.